TWNA members: Are your addresses (including your e-mail address), phone numbers and other information as listed on the TWNA membership roster up to date? Check 'em out by contacting Frank Conte (see listing just above)!
________________________________________________________________

March 22, 2001

Just over 50 members of the Truck Writers of North America met on March 22 in Louisville, Ky., in conjunction with the Mid-America Truck Show. Here are the minutes of the meeting:

Treasurer's Report
Avery Vise has successfully transferred funds into a TWNA account. The balanced carried into the new account was $8,110.50. Recent dues collections raised the amount by $2,160. A dispersement of $1,000 to Ol' Blue of $1,000 has been paid as has a check of $50.02 to cover postage and administration. The remaining balance of the account is $9,220.63.

Scholarship Report
Tom Berg reported on his contact with the Truckload Carriers Association in regards to a scholarship of $2,500 we would like distributed through their sources. They are taking our request to committee in April and will let us know what they have decided. Their scholarships are for children of people who work in the trucking industry, and will attend four-year universities.

Web Site Report
Tom Kelley displayed the new TWNA Web Site on a lap top computer. He is inviting members of our group to send material to him for inclusion that would provide information to non-trucking press. For those members who wish to have links to their website's URL, he has asked that they submit a one paragraph description of their site. These contributions are to be e-mailed in text form to Tom (truckpix@bellsouth.com) .

In phase two of the Web Site development, Tom would like to include a "members only" site in which contact information could be updated by members. In addition, he is looking to add dynamic content, which might include a link with a PR Newswire in which they would send releases to our site and ours could be sent to theirs.

Director Resignation
Ruth Jones, who is on TWNA board of directors, resigned her position. Ruth has been battling cancer and needs to take more time to concentrate on healing. The group acknowledged her work and dedication with applause as it accepted her resignation. Best wishes for a full recovery were expressed.

New Director
An election was immediately held to fill Ruth Jones' position on the board. Tom Kelley was elected. Deborah Lockridge has volunteered to take over the "letter writing" portion of Ruth's job.

European Press Visitors
Rolf took a moment to recognize the two European journalists who were attending our meeting: Danny Coughlin from the UK and Sven-Eric Lindstrand from Sweden. He also expressed interest in more actively pursuing members of the overseas press when they are attending events at which we hold our meeting and inviting them to join us.

Concern Over Pics on CDs
Tom Berg brought up the issue of press materials on CD-ROM disks. He pointed out that not everyone has the software to access the pictures on these disks, and suggested that at the very least a page of thumbnail-sized photos might be included with the disk for quick identification.

Old Business
The issue of "canned presentations", which originally surfaced at the GATS meeting last November was once again addressed. The idea is to come up with a written presentation, which could be downloaded from our Web Site, that would allow members or others to speak about the industry. No decisions were made.

The meeting was adjourned without setting a time and place for the next one. At issue is whether or not to meet during ITS or GATS. The membership will be informed when a decision is made.

Respectfully submitted,
Carol Birkland
Secretary

New TWNA Website - It's ALIVE!
A couple items yet to be turned in and final versions of a few graphics aside, version 2.0 of the TWNA website is up and running! Check it out at www.twna.org . Depending on your cache settings, you may need to hit reload if you've visited the old page recently, otherwise your browser may be showing you a version stored locally on your hard drive. We still need several content items for the pages, so if you can help us find any of the items on our "Ten Most Wanted" list, send the information to truckpix@bellsouth.net.
Tom Kelley, Director and Web Page Designer

TWNA.org's Ten Most Wanted List

Description of your company's website(s) for the Links page

Electronic copy of the TWNA Press Event Guide

Additional topics for the Best Practices page

Electronic copy of the John Deere "Sharing the Road" book

Links to positive mass-media articles about trucking

Articles and/or links for the Industry Issues page

Great moments in TWNA history and/or amusing TWNA anecdotes for the About TWNA page

Feedback on the new site design, content and navigation

A large-format version of the TWNA "mudflap" logo

Ideas for other content and features for the site

President Poses Tough Questions
TWNA President Rolf Lockwood exhibited his go-for-the-throat journalistic instincts when The Dispatch's editor accosted him in a Louisville convention center hall and asked for comments to include in this issue. Rolf expressed three concerns in the form of questions:

"Why are we [in the Toronto area] still up to our asses in snow?"

"Why isn't there a Ferarri in my driveway?"

"And why are you asking this?"

Now he knows.

Editor Wanted
Must have the ability to write, edit, proofread, and copy edit a variety of documents. Will be directly involved in the planning, preparation, design and development of content for on-line dissemination. Ability to supervise is a must, as duties will include the supervision of writers, freelancers, and research assistants, along with the management of schedules, writing, and editing functions of the magazine. Requirements are a bachelor's degree in a related area and/or 2-4 years of experience in the field or in a related field.
Send resume and correspondence to:

Layover.com, Inc.
Attn: Bruce Martin
E-mail: bmartin@layover.com
354 North Prince Street
Suite 200
Lancaster, PA 17603

P: (717) 481-5511
F: (717) 481-5517

Setting Up a TWNA Presentation Resource Library
by Tom Kelley, TWNA Director
A frequent topic of discussion at our TWNA meetings involves the concept of making our members available to deliver presentations about the trucking industry and trucking journalism to interested school, industry, media or civic groups. While many have expressed an interest and positive intentions about the idea, what we don't have in place is a mechanism to communicate the availability of this service, or any supporting resources that would free the volunteer presenters from the need to generate each program from scratch.

Since it is best to have the resources in place before publicizing this service, TWNA has committed to develop a Presentation Resource Library for the benefit of members and others called on to speak about the positive aspects of trucking and the craft of truck journalism. Tom Kelley, newly appointed as a TWNA Director in Ruth Jones' absence, has volunteered to coordinate this effort. Initial plans call for the development of outlines for the 3-4 most general topics and the prioritization of additional topics. Similar to the Digital Imaging Project, interested parties can participate by joining an e-mail list at truckpresentations@deadlinefactory.com .

Here are the initial topics under consideration:

Trucking Journalism
Sharing the Road
K-8 Version
8-12 Version
Adult Version
Driving as a Profession
The Technology of Today's Trucking
America Stops Without Trucking

Suggestions for other topics are welcomed.

Because images and multimedia support are an important part of an effective presentation, participants are encouraged to submit any existing videos, slides, PowerPoint files, or any other visual resources already in existence that would serve to support these and other topics. Reprintable articles and/or original manuscripts are also needed.

In addition to collecting materials for a "lending library," plans also call for compiling some of the presentations into stand-alone video programs that can be shipped to an interested group when a nearby member is unavailable to deliver the presentations. As such, we will also be soliciting financial sponsorships from Associate Member companies and other industry suppliers, to cover the costs of production. For additional information, or to participate in developing these programs, join the presentation mailing list at truckpresentations@deadlinefactory.com.

Making the Most of Our New Digital Guidelines
Now that we have recommendations for PR folks as to how to handle digital files, we need to get the word out about them. When I get unsolicited attachments, especially obnoxious huge image files, via e-mail, I now reply to the senders, thanking them for the information, but ask them to refrain from sending large image files that have not been requested because of the long download time involved. Then I refer them to our new digital file
guidelines at the TWNA web site. I suggest other members do the same. Deborah Lockridge, TWNA Director

Member News:
Deb Whistler, formerly Features Editor at Newport Communications, has returned to the position of Managing Editor.

Evan Lockridge, Producer/Host of RoadStar Radio News, is now also News Editor of Newport's RoadStar and Heavy Duty Trucking magazines.

Jim Winsor, executive editor of Newport Communications' Heavy Duty Trucking, has won the Crain Award from the American Business Media for his contributions during 43 years in trucking journalism. The Crain Award is a once-in-a-lifetime award for a single individual; Winsor is its 33rd recipient, and his boss, Doug Condra, Newport senior vice and editorial director and HDT's publisher, received it in 1990.

Phil Romba, former Volvo Trucks spokesman, is now doing PR for Lexis-Nexis, a high-tech firm headquartered near Dayton, Ohio. But trucks are still in his blood, apparently, because he and his famility visited MATS and a couple of us got to tell him Hi! He followed up with a short note to your editor:

"As you can imagine, I had nearly as much fun as my 4-year-old son did! He probably sat in 20 or more trucks. I enjoyed seeing friends like you and Steve Sturgess as well as friends from Volvo.

"It's a toss-up right now as to whether I feel more settled at the office or at home. While the world of public relations in the online information industry is similar to trucking, the business itself is a far cry from trucks and trucking. The lingo is related to the Internet (XML, portals, ASP {application service provider}) and to the specialized world of content aggregation and indexing (boolean search).

"I'm working with many of the same business-related issues here: consolidation, competition, product development, changing customer demands and lots of eStuff (although that's waning a bit).

"Speaking of here, Lexis-Nexis is located in Miamisburg, Ohio, which is a suburb of Dayton. Dayton's about 65 miles north of Cincinnati on I-75. Worldwide, Lexis-Nexis has over 12,000 employees. About 2,500 of them work at the Dayton headquarters.

"Feel free to share my work contact info with TWNA members."

You can contact Phil at (937) 865-7574 or phil.romba@lexis.nexis.com.

________________________________________________________________

Newspapers Don't Always Screw Up!
Below are two newspaper articles that describe the trucking industry in positive but realistic terms. TWNA Director Deborah Lockridge wrote letters of thanks to the newspapers which ran them.
Tom Berg, TWNA Director & Dispatch Editor

Fort Worth Star-Telegram

FORT WORTH -- It was noon, and after rumbling down the highway all night trucker Terry Stillman and his wife, B.J., were thrilled to find the Drivers Travelmart along Interstate 35W in north Fort Worth.

The Stillmans had beat the crowd of truckers who would later fill the lot meant only for 40 rigs. A truck stop employee estimates that up to 70 truckers flock there nightly, with the overflow spilling onto nearby streets and a grass lot. "Once dinnertime hits until about 9 p.m. is when a lot of drivers pull off the road. It's just impossible," said Stillman, of Mesa, Ariz.

Texas and the Metroplex are among the more troublesome spots for truckers looking for parking between deliveries or overnight. The problem is likely to escalate with cross-border trucking, part of the North American Free Trade Agreement. U.S. officials hope to implement NAFTA's truck provisions by the end of the year.

Texas already bears the brunt of international truck traffic spurred by NAFTA. About 80 percent of NAFTA-related Mexican goods flow through the state. About a half of those trucks travel through the Metroplex via I-35, Texas Department of Transportation officials said. A federal study done in 1996 identified Texas as one of five states with the greatest need for additional truck parking spaces. Another study, detailing current parking needs and including private truck stops, is due out this year.

"I think we already know in certain corridors, especially high traffic areas, there are shortages," said Janet Coleman, director of the Federal Highway Administration's office of safety programs. "There are different views on the severity and extent of these shortages."

Texas has 104 rest areas. The Department of Transportation is spending $52 million to build or renovate 25 rest areas. Larger parking areas for trucks and cars will be among the improvements. As more money becomes available, TXDOT plans to add or renovate more rest areas and convert some outdated rest areas into truck parking areas.

"Obviously the increase in truck traffic has brought on the need for an increase of truck parking," said Zane Webb, maintenance director at TXDOT. "It's only responsible for us to have some parking available so that tired truckers have a place to rest before continuing on their travels."

But there are no rest areas in Tarrant or Dallas counties, nor are there plans to build any. The Fort Worth district has five rest areas: two in Palo Pinto County, about 12 miles west of Weatherford; two in Johnson County, 3 and 5.8 miles south of Burleson; and one in Wise County, seven miles north of Decatur.

The Dallas district has six: two along Interstate 35E in Ellis County; two along Interstate 45 in Navarro County; and two along Interstate 20 in Kaufman County. Webb said there are no plans to build in Dallas or Tarrant counties because there are private facilities available.

"If we go into Tarrant and Dallas and Harris and Travis counties and start putting in rest areas for several millions of dollars a piece, we're in effect going into competition with local private enterprise," Webb said. The National Association of Travel Plazas and Truckstops (NATSO) says it can meet truckers' needs.

Truckers say demand is outpacing both government and private efforts. "I see truck stops going up all over the place, but it's not putting a dent in what we need out there," said Stillman, who like many other truckers, routinely parks on side roads or highway ramps when parking cannot be found. The Stillmans say they drive through the night to increase their chances of finding parking during the day.

NATSO lists 95 Texas trucks stops in a directory published on the group's Web site. According to that directory, four truck stops are in Dallas County, two in Denton County, and four in Parker County. In Tarrant County, NATSO lists only two trucks stops in Fort Worth. That number is too few, said Leonard Glasgow, a Fort Worth trucker, who faults cities and state for not preparing better for a problem they have known was coming since NAFTA was approved in 1994.

"They knew this NAFTA thing was coming," Glasgow said. "This stuff should have already been in place." Glasgow used to park his flatbed in the 8800 block of Marlene Drive, a dead-end road in south Fort Worth, but a recent crackdown by police and city code enforcement officers drove him and other truckers away. City ordinance prohibits oversized commercial vehicles from parking more than two hours on any city street.

"You can drive 10 hours a day, and then you've got to shut down for eight. Where do you park for eight hours?," Glasgow complained. "Fort Worth is about 10 hours from Laredo. That's the point that these trucks are going to start looking for a place to shut down." Now Glasgow leaves his flatbed at a friend's home in a rural area south of Benbrook. "What good are truck stops outside the city limits going to be?," Glasgow said. "I know we can't park them at our doorstep like we do our car, but it would be nice to have it a few miles from your house or at least in the same city."

Drivers Travelmart at 3201 N. Interstate 35W and Love's Country Store at Interstate 35W and Garden Acres Drive say their lots are filled daily. Both are considered small, offering between them less than 70 parking spaces for truckers. Travelmart manager Shary Palmer said trucks often spill into the neighboring lot.

"When it's not raining and they know they won't get stuck, I have trucks that will park in that field," Palmer said. "You would swear there were yellow lines on the grass." With few restaurants in the area that allow oversized commercial parking, Palmer said the store goes through about 60 cases of hot dogs a week. "That's like 3,000 hot dogs a week," she said.

Although cross-border traffic would mean more business for truck stops, Palmer worries that it will also mean turning away more drivers looking for a place to park. "We want the business, but we don't know where to tell these poor guys to park," she said.

Deanna Boyd
Star-Telegram

TWNA's Reply:
Dear Ms. Boyd:

As an officer of the Truck Writers of North America, I would like to commend you on the March 27 article, "Drivers find a long haul between stops."

Your article offers a compelling and accurate look at a major problem faced by the trucking industry today: parking. Not only is NAFTA likely to make the problem worse, as you report, but so will proposed new federal hours of service rules in the works that will increase the number of hours drivers must stop and rest.

Among the goals of our association is working with media outside of our industry to promote accurate reporting on trucking issues. We are happy to help out whenever you need information or sources on articles related to trucking. For more information, please visit http://www.twna.org.

Deborah Lockridge
Senior Editor
Newport Communications, Southeast Bureau

. . . And From North of the Border,
The first day in the office after Mid-America, where I volunteered to take over Ruth's media response director duties, I stumbled across a very nice article in The Ottawa (Ont.) Citizen. It took the Ontario Trucking Association's "share the road" message to heart, with a grocery rodeo champ taking center stage and adding a personal touch to the statistics and driving tips.
Deborah Lockridge, TWNA Director

The Ottawa Citizen, March 23, 2001 Friday FINAL EDITION, page 1 of the Wheels Section (Copyright 2001 Southam Inc.)

HEADLINE: Share the road: An expert trucker helps steer us away from tangles with the big rigs on the road. Craig M. Lee takes notes.

BYLINE: Craig M. Lee

Don Mason is a "roadeo" champion, as in truck roadeos, those skills competitions for professional drivers. In his 21-year career driving for Loblaws Companies East (formerly National Grocers), Don has seen a lot of good and bad driving from high in the cab of his big Mack truck.

As his roadeo record suggests, Don is a very good driver. How good? Last October, he placed first among 43 of the best truck drivers in North America at the Food Industry Skills Competition in Minneapolis. And that's in the tough "tandem 48-foot" tractor-trailer class.

To get to Minneapolis, Don had to be the best of the best 52 drivers from all Loblaws distribution centres. Don has competed in the Ontario provincial championship in Belleville and, in 1995, was a finalist in the Canadian national championship in Quebec City.

At 48, married and the father of two teenage girls, Don is a quiet-spoken, responsible sort of guy, with a 17-year accident-free driving record. And an obvious choice for advice on how to stay out of trouble around trucks in traffic. On that subject, the Ontario Trucking Association has been promoting a program called "Sharing the Road with Trucks." Around since 1926, the association is a major voice for Ontario companies hauling freight all over North America. Its 1,700 members represent all aspects of Ontario trucking, from big companies to individual owner-operators.

The Sharing the Road program is delivered through the association's Road Knights, a group of uniformed professional drivers who go to schools and clubs to talk about trucking and sharing the road. Says the association's Stephen Anderson: "All road users are partners in safety. That's the message."

While Sharing the Road is the theme, the association program describes specific situations that get motorists into trouble when they mix it up with the big rigs. We took those situations, one by one, and put them to Don Mason for his personal insights.

But first, some numbers. Our highways get more congested every year. Compared to 10 years ago, there are 35 per cent more cars on the road, according to the U.S. National Highway Traffic Safety Administration. And the number of trucks on our roads keeps increasing, right along with our demand for consumer goods. Trucks are vital, delivering 95 per cent of the products we buy. Yet despite their numbers, less than three per cent of all collisions in Ontario involve trucks. And the trucker is at fault only 30 per cent of the time. Which means, in 70 per cent of the collisions ... well, that leaves you and me. Get the picture?

Truckers are trained professionals. Driving is their livelihood and they're generally very good at it. So, what's going wrong? Why the big pileups on the 401? Why can't well-trained professional truck drivers avoid these collisions? More relevant percentage-wise, what are motorists doing wrong when we tangle with big trucks, calamity being the result?

We asked Don to help make the Sharing the Road program more real. His boss at the giant Sheffield Road centre, Jim Galloway, Loblaws' operations manager for transportation, was anxious to help. "Loblaws promotes safe driving and we support Don," Jim told me. He also supplied a truck so Don could demonstrate. Using my Ford pickup, I played the part of the ordinary motorist. Note: All of this information is also relevant when dealing with buses. And also important for bicyclists and motorcycle riders.

General Do's and Don'ts
The freeway's middle lane is a truck's passing lane, so don't block a truck that may want to pass a slower vehicle. "Some drivers cruise along in the middle lane, knowing they shouldn't be in the left-hand lane, but really they should be in the far right lane," says Don.

Truckers work hard getting their rigs up to speed, shifting through as many as 18 gears, so when you are in front of a truck, maintain your speed when it's safe to do so. Don't force trucks to slow down unnecessarily.

Also, a truck may roll back when starting on a hill, regardless of its driver's skill, so leave room when you come to a stop behind a big truck.

Following Trucks
Driving a truck is a lot more complicated than driving a car or sport-utility. Their controls are complex. Says Don, who lives in Carlsbad Springs, 10 kilometres southeast of Ottawa: "You've got to be looking at your instruments all the time, at the engine gauges, the air pressure, at everything."

Sure, the view up ahead and out the side windows (left and right) is great, panoramic even. But that leaves a whole 180 degrees in back and along both sides where the truck driver has very limited ability to see, despite small convex spot mirrors. That's because big trucks have a box or trailer that blocks the view. A car following a truck simply disappears from the trucker's field of vision if it stays in the middle of the lane and gets too close.

As a result, the truck driver may not know you are there. Then, if you pop out to pass and the truck changes lanes, look out! You could get squeezed over.

Rule of thumb: Don't tailgate. Especially big trucks. "If you can't see my mirrors, I can't see you," reminds Don. If you must follow closely when traffic slows or stops, move to the left or right a bit so the trucker can see your front fender and know you're there. Another problem if you follow too closely: You'll miss highway signs that alert you to changes in the speed limit or to danger, or your destination. So, stay well back.

Passing Trucks
A typical car or SUV is about five metres (16 feet) long. A transport truck may be three times that long, about 15 metres (50 feet). Therefore, on two-lane roads, be sure you have extra time and distance to make the pass safely. Signal your intention to pass; don't pull out suddenly.

And if you must pass, get it over with! As you pull along the side of the truck, you may again disappear from the truck driver's view, so keep moving ahead, your speed consistent. Don't linger out there. Remember that trucks throw a lot of slush and dust. When it rains, watch out for spray thrown out to the side by the truck's big drive wheels. This can be especially heavy at the mid-point of the truck's length.

When spray hits your windshield, you can be blinded temporarily, unable to see ahead, and startled. When that happens, your natural reaction may be to panic or lift off the gas. Exactly the wrong thing to do if it means reducing your acceleration and remaining in the splash, or risking extra time out there passing on a two-lane road. Generally, not wise. Advises Don: "Watch the wind for which way the spray is blowing. Sometimes, if you wait a bit, the spray will blow more to the right, so you can pass easier."

Cutting in Front
Once you complete the pass, don't pull back in front of the truck abruptly. "People try to beat you to the off-ramp," laments Don. And don't cut in front of a truck when merging on a freeway, either. Why? Because reining in one of these mammoth rigs takes twice the distance, compared to a car. Meaning, drivers have to leave twice the truck "space cushion" between themselves and other vehicles.

It's not only annoying to the truck driver to be cut off, it's dangerous for everyone on the road. "The trailer wheels lock up easily, more so when the trailer is nearly empty," adds Don. "When that happens, she'll swing left, or swing right, but she almost never stays right behind you."

Trucks Making Turns
When vehicles turn, their back wheels follow a smaller arc than their front ones. Thus, when a long truck makes a right turn, it must turn very wide if its rear wheels are to stay off the sidewalk. So, always watch for a truck's turn signals. At an intersection, resist the temptation to pull along the right side of a long truck if that lane is empty. That truck may be positioned to make a right turn.

And remember those blind spots! You and your vehicle can disappear from the trucker's field of vision. I've made that mistake driving a motorcycle and had a truck turn into me. Scary.

Recreational Vehicles
With vacations ahead, consider some other facts if you're towing a trailer with your car or sport-utility. On the highway, big flat-front trucks and buses push out a lot of air, so your tow vehicle and trailer can be buffeted by the wind. Sometimes, even pushed sideways momentarily. Be ready.

Naturally, your acceleration rate is reduced in proportion to the weight you are pulling, so it will take more time and distance to pass a long truck. Having completed the pass, don't forget the added length of your trailer before pulling back in front of the truck.

When a big truck passes you, your trailer will be affected before your tow vehicle and it may sway, alarmingly. The faster the speeds, the more pronounced the affect. Avoid the "big wiggle" by keeping all tires on your tow vehicle and trailer properly inflated. Ensure the correct tongue weight is on your hitch. And make sure your vehicles' suspension and alignment are in good shape.

Backing Up
Big trucks don't have back windows. At least not back windows you can see anything from. It follows, then, that there's no interior rear-view mirror, which leaves only the two side mirrors to see to the rear. Again, remember that large blind spot directly behind the trailer.

If you're walking by a truck that's backing up, wait. Don't cross behind. How'd you like strangers playing hide-and-seek with you when you're trying to do your job with heavy equipment?

- - -

Driving safely around big trucks isn't so hard if you keep a few things in mind. And remember, the next time you're alongside a big truck in traffic, that its driver almost certainly has a lot more training and driving experience than you do. So, show some respect, eh? Share the road. And you'll arrive alive.

To arrange for a presentation by a Road Knight or to obtain a copy of a Sharing the Road video, contact the Ontario Trucking Association at (416) 249-7401 or info@ontruck.org, or visit its Web site at www.ontruck.org .

________________________________________________________________

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at highschools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Unknown)

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring, Md.)

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
(Russell Beland, Springfield, Va.)

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington, Va.)

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. On a Dr. Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield, Va.)

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
(Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria, Va.)

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Md.)

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. (?)

FOR WRITERS AND POETS ONLY

Here they are, the 10 winners of this year's Bulwer-Lytton contest, the one that asks entrants to write the first line of a bad novel (in honor of Victorian author Edward George Bulwer-Lytton who wrote the novel that began, "It was a dark and stormy night."). [from the Net]

10. As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber he would never hear the end of it.

9. Just beyond the Narrows the river widens.

8. With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description.

7. Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall: Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.

6. Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved.

5. Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store.

4. Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do.

3. Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.

2. Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word fear, a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.

AND THE WINNER:
1. The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, "You lied!"